Separated
by LlamasWithKatanas
Summary: It goes back between times, so WATCH OUT FOR THAT.Like, from PAST TO PRESENT. And I'm new at this so I don't know how to make it obvious lol. Anyhoo. Tegan and Sara go through a terrible hardship as soon as they are comfortable with their new relationship
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Separated

**It's been a month now since Sara died.** All touring has stopped and I have returned to my home in Vancouver. Nothing is the same. Some days I go to call her but get "the number you have dialed is no longer in service". Of course; I always forget that she's not going to answer. That Sara will no longer join me on tours or wake me up when I've overslept. That she will no longer be mine. Because she's gone now. And believe me—when you've lost your twin, nothing is the same. It's as if you've lost part of yourself.

**One month ago, Sara and I were finishing up a concert in Chicago, Illinois.** That concert was, in fact, the last one of our eight month long tour around the United States. It was a warm night in the city and the crowd was screaming and enjoying themselves while we played from our newest album, "Sainthood", the song "The Cure". I loved playing that song, and Sara was enjoying herself just as much as I was. A final chord was hit, and we thanked our fans for joining us that night, cracked a few jokes, and headed off stage to grab some water and prepare to pack up.

"That was a pretty damn good show, wasn't it, Tegan?" asked Sara.

"Yeah, it was. It's crowds like that that really make me happy to play!" I replied, tired, but enthusiastic. It really was a great crowd. They were the best so far on our tour; a great way to end it, I might've added. Sara and I were taking our time relaxing while cooling off with some water as the other members in the band started to collect the drums and microphones and other items we brought.

"Hey, Teetee," Sara began.

"Hmm… What's up, Sasa?" I asked her.

"I'm glad for this,"

"Well, you're going to have to be more specific than that…" I said. "What are you glad for?"

Sara looked at the floor for a few moments and then stood up, gently pulling me up to my feet as well and embraced me lightly. "I'm glad that we're here right now in Chicago together finishing a concert up instead of being thousands of miles apart in different cities doing boring ass jobs" She said. I laughed.

"I supposed this is a lot fucking better, huh?"

**I wheel myself to the kitchen** to grab some coffee I've just made, but when I began to pour it into my mug, my hand trembles and I end up pouring the boiling coffee all over the front of my shirt. "Fuck!" I exclaim, grabbing the nearest rag and wiping my shirt off with it. Fuck." To top it off, I grabbed the mug that had a picture of Sara and me on it, hugging each other. I grit my teeth and tears stream down my face.

"Screw the world." I tell myself quietly, and pushed myself to my room to get new clothes. But as I take my shirt off, I get out of my chair, sit down on my bed and bawl into my palms. Had Sara been here, she would be laughing at my mistake right now and then helping me clean up the spill. But the apartment is dead silent. All I can hear are the birds outside the windows chirping like nothing is wrong. Like the world's moving on without her.

**"Nice! Now we finally get a break.** I say we go hit the bars and then relax for a couple months. We can start writing new songs later. But for now," Sara said, stretching her arms out wide, "drinks and a good time. How about it, Teetee?"

"Uh, yeah! Let's get going. I am ready for this vacation to begin!" I said. I smiled at Sara the smile I always gave her when I was really happy. She loved it. Said it was her favorite part of me. She grabbed my hand and we walked out of our hotel room.

The bar we chose was extremely crowded, but that was okay because the more people that were there, the more fun we'd have dancing and singing to whatever was playing. The lights flashed brightly all different colors, and they reflected off the happy and drunk faces of everyone in the bar. The bartender immediately recognized us and offered us our first round on the house. We didn't refuse and chugged the beers down in a contest to see who could do it first. Sara and I smiled at each other as we downed our first beers, myself winning at our little game, of course.

"Tch, no fair! You're such a fucking cheater 'cos you do this all the time with the boys!" Sara said, giggling. She shoved my shoulder lightly. My heart fluttered inside my chest. It was times like these when we weren't fighting that I loved.

**Ted's been calling my cell phone for days,** trying to get a hold of me to see how I'm doing. But I don't want to answer. I want to stay inside my apartment forever. There's no point in leaving. Not when I know that Sara won't be outside of these walls waiting for me. I haven't even left to get groceries. My neighbors have noticed, so they have been bringing food over to me every night. I thank them quietly, but in reality, I want them to go away. They're not Sara, so they're no use to me. Within these quiet walls, I think to myself. I over think, because I have nothing more to do. I remember her face that night. I remember the blood everywhere. And I always will know that it was my fault that she died. It was because of me that Sara is no longer around.

I take out my laptop and sit down on the couch with it resting on my outstretched left leg and my lump of a right leg. There are so many picture albums on my Mac that I don't know where to start, but finally I settle on the very beginning of our lives'. I choose the album "1980-1985" I slowly scroll through each picture, noting how at first we really are identical, but as the years go by, we slowly begin to change and you can tell us apart better. I feel a tear roll down the side of my face, but I ignore it and continue scrolling.

After a while, I get to our more recent pictures. I click on the album "2004", back seven years ago when I realized that Sara meant more to me than life itself. I look at the pictures of her on stage, noticing the clothes she wore then, how she held her guitar. I noticed her lips. The same, but different from mine. I loved them. By now, I'm dying inside, and the tears keep rolling down my face, more and more dripping onto my jeans, but I keep going through the pictures. I want to burn her image into my retinas. I don't want to forget her.

Finally, I scroll to the album "2011", the last album we have together. But this album is different from the rest. In every other album, we are together, but apart. Hugging each other, but there is a barrier between us. Singing together on stage, but focusing on nothing but the audience. Well, she was, but I always noticed her. I just didn't know she noticed me as well until recently. In this album, we are smiling at each other, with each other.

There are professional pictures in here and also some we'd taken with our Blackberries. In the professional pictures, taken by Lindsey, we are holding hands a lot of the time, unless we are on stage. And if we are on stage, most of the time we are looking at each other as we sing.

The less professional pictures are ones no one but Sara and I have seen. They are our secret stash of memories that I keep from everyone. I will never let anyone see these. In one picture, we are pressed up to each other tight, me kissing her cheek and Sara smiling uncontrollably. In another, we are actually kissing, my lips pressed to hers. It's almost like I'm kissing a mirror, but I know I wasn't. I know it was her.

Now I am dying. I can't take it anymore, so I close my laptop and begin to cry aloud—my face in my palms once more. We could have lived happily. We finally began to experience what we'd been longing for and now it was gone forever. I look up to see my guitar—one of the guitars that had a twin, which belonged to Sara—and I grab it angrily, snapping the neck over my knee and throwing the base at the ground. My neighbors are knocking at my door now, but I refuse to answer. I don't fucking care if they are worried or whatever. I want to be alone.

**A few months before,** we stopped at a bar in a little town in Iowa and got extremely drunk. We took a cab to our hotel because we were too tired and drunk to get home by foot. Sara and I helped each other get up the stairs and into our room. Once in the room, we immediately jumped onto one of the beds and lay there for a moment. It was quiet, but nice, considering we'd been in a loud bar for quite a few hours.

"Well that was awesome," said Sara in a slightly tired tone. She was looking at that ceiling, smiling. She rolled over and looked at me. "Did you have fun, Teetee? You were getting pretty crazy with your dancing by the end. You were like a tsunami crashing into people."

"Oh, shut the fuck up Sara," I said, rolling over as well to look at her face forward. Underneath her eyes were dark, but her eyes themselves were full of life, staring at me straight into my own pair. We held there for a moment, almost like in a trance. We smiled at each other. Suddenly out of nowhere Sara placed a kiss on my lips. It was so gentle I could barely feel it, but nonetheless, I knew she had done it. My heart exploded in my chest and my hand immediately went to my lips. I must have looked surprised because Sara jumped off the bed clumsily and stumbled back into the wall.

"Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit! I'm so fucking sorry Teetee! I did NOT mean that! Oh fuck." I stopped being surprised and sat up. Maybe I looked angry, because Sara pressed herself to the wall even harder than she already was and a curse passed her lips once more. But I was taking in what had just happened. I wasn't angry. I was… happy. I had been waiting for this. Somewhere deep in me I knew Sara loved me as I had learned to love her. I finally stood up and went over to her.

"Well," I began, looking down to watch as my toes wriggled. I bit my lip. "Don't be sorry. I'm… glad actually!" I started. I didn't know where to start. I decided to start by holding her hands in mine. She looked at me with worry and confusion in her facial expressions. "You know…" I said, ready to take the chance that she had given me, "I used to just think you were the cuter twin, but then I realized I… actually liked you—more than a sister. Gross right? But you…" I stopped. I didn't know what to say. I was so nervous. But Sara pulled her hands away from mine and wrapped them around my waist and pulled me closer to her so that I was leaning on her while the wall supported us both. We stood there in an embrace that felt warmer than any other one we had shared before this.

"Teetee… I don't think it was gross. If I did, I wouldn't have done what I did, now would I?" She asked me. I shook my head. Of course not. If she didn't like it, she wouldn't have done that. In that moment, we looked into each other's eyes again. Something about her eyes pulled me closer to her, until our lips met again, harder than last time. It was almost magical—I couldn't breathe at first because it was so unbelievable. Without any notice, Sara grabbed my shoulders and gently turned me so that I was the one on the wall and she was where I had stood. She pressed her body to me and my heart pounded once more. Her knee slid its way in between my thighs and I might have made a small noise. Her eyes locked with mine again as we pulled away from the kiss.

"I love you, Sasa" I said.

"I love you too, Teetee" Sara told me. There was no more time for words. That night we entered a whole new world that almost no one even came close to being in. It was a forbidden love, but God, was it fucking amazing.

That was when our relationship took a whole new level. When we were happy.


	2. Chapter 2

Separated ch 2

**I've just woken from a nightmare, which replayed over and over again.** The blood. Her helpless strangled voice moaning for help underneath the scraps of smashed car. The moment when I realized I couldn't reach her because my lower body had been shredded and I was missing a leg. All I could do was watch, because I couldn't move my head; my neck had snapped in the crash. So I lay there watching her bleed out of her cracked skull and smashed body. I get up slowly and look at the clock. It's almost 3:30 in the afternoon. I slept almost all day after not being able to go to bed until my body forced me to last night. This is bad, but I'm not worried about it because I know I'm not going to be doing anything today anyway. That's what I think at least, until someone knocks on my door in the living room. I ignore it, knowing that whoever it is will go away soon enough. But there's still knocking. It's bothering me now. Until I hear who it is.

"Tegan, please answer. It's Lindsey. Come on, open the door for me."

Lindsey? Of course. My girlfriend. I tend to forget about her most of the time, especially when I'm with Sa—

"What is it? I'm busy," I lie through my clenched jaw, though I know she won't believe me. And of course, she doesn't.

"Tegan… Please open up?" Lindsey asked from behind the front door. I sigh and hobble out of my bed into my wheelchair. I wheel myself over to the living room and undo the latches on my door and open it. Lindsey is standing there with a bag of Tim Horton's doughnuts in her hand and two coffees. Coffee. Great. "So can I come in?" she asks while I stare up at her.

"Huh? Oh! Yea, come in Lindsey." I say and move backwards, making my way to the small coffee table in my mini living room. I jump out of my wheelchair and sit on the couch while Lindsey takes a seat beside me and hands me a coffee. We sit here awkwardly for a few moments until, finally, Lindsey speaks.

"Tegan, honey. I know it's hard on you—your sister passing and everything. But I think… I think you need to get out and see a therapist and just… enjoy life." I stare at her like she was the stupidest fuck in the world.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You're telling me to get over my sister's death?" I say angrily. How can I forget her? She's not just my sister… she's… "Is that what you came over for? Because if so, you can go," I say coldly.

"But you can't just stay in here forever! You need someone to be here for you! Let me be that person. I'm you're girlfriend after all." The word scorched my heart. Girlfriend. It didn't mean anything to me now. I didn't love Lindsey like I loved Sara.

"I don't need you to be that person. The only person I want to be around is Sara, and she's not here. And now you're just making things worse. I was FINE before you came here!" I shout. Fuck, why not just get this over with now? "Besides, I… I don't love you anymore. Or rather, I've never really loved you, Lindsey," I say as I look down to the floor.

"What?" She says. "You never loved me? What the fuck does that mean? All this time I've been nice to you, I've taken picture after picture for you, I've kissed you, made love with you, and you're telling me now that it was all a joke?" She is angry as well now. But it's not affecting me. I just want her to leave. Maybe making her angry will get her out of my apartment quicker.

"That's right. And… Truth is, I loved Sara. And I always will." And as I say that, Lindsey has a disgusted face on. I forget, of course, that most people think incest is a horrible thing. But fuck what they think.

"You sick fuck." Lindsey simply says, and walks through the kitchen and out the door. She makes her anger noticeable and slams the door. I feel glad she's gone only for a second, because I start to realize soon after that just maybe I needed someone's shoulder to cry on then. And now that Lindsey's found out about her and Sara, the rest of the band will soon figure out the situation, since Lindsey will tell them. I get in my wheelchair and roll myself to my apartment deck and sit there, watching the day go by, tired of trying to live.

**I awoke in Sara's slender arms the next day** after our tour ended. Our legs were entangled and my arm was snaked around her waist. Sara was still asleep, so I decided to wake her. I nudged her with my chin and looked up to her face when her eyes fluttered open. She adjusted to the light and looked down at my face and smiled.

"Good morning Teetee," she said.

"Morning, Sasa," I replied and went in for a kiss. She accepted my request and we lay there for what seemed like hours sharing another great kiss. It was perfect—lying in Sara's arms. It was comfortable. I felt so relieved that we both had feeling for each other and that it wasn't just me being different. And now that we were off tour, we had quite a few months to write songs together and relax like this every day.

The next few days were spent heading anywhere but home. This was a chance for a vacation away from the band and time to be alone together. Since we were in the USA already, Sara and I decided to go to California and check out the beaches. It was going to be incredible. We ordered tickets via plane from my Mac and headed out of our hotel. It was odd, being out in the streets with Sara holding hands. Others had seen us holding hands before, but now it felt different, like they knew we were sisters in love with each other. It didn't really matter, though, as long as Sara was happy. It was all I cared about at the time.

California was packed with people who were tan and sexy. It was quite different from the people of Chicago. Sara and I looked dead and pale compared to everyone there. The roads were also filled with people and their cars. The car we rented was eaten by the mass of vehicles around us on the expressway. When we arrived at the hotel—which was the fanciest one we'd stayed at in a while—we immediately threw our things down.

"We need to go buy bathing suits, since we didn't bring any," I said. Sara gave me a quick wink and grabbed me from behind.

"I'm going to help you pick yours out, then," Sara said, "so I can _admire_ you in it at the beach!" Another wink. I went stiff and felt my face heating up…along with other body parts. "Only if I can pick out yours," I replied and seized the moment with my powerful smile she loved so much.

There was a store that sold bathing suits not too far from where my and Sara's hotel was. There were so many choices. I decided that no matter what, I was going with black, so Sara would have to live with that. Sara decided she would be exactly opposite, and told me to pick something white. We separated from each other and explored the store's large bathing suit section. All of the suits were extremely cute and I could see Sara's slim body in all of them; the familiar yet different body that was so hard to resist. As punishment for thinking about Sara in any of these suits, I received a cold shiver down my spine and my heart and crotch pounded. I needed to shut up inside and concentrate on finding a good suit for her.

After about ten minutes, I found one that was fucking perfect. The top was low cut and white with brown vine and flower designs and would expose Sara's delicious collarbone. It was a simple 'X' strap on the back, but it worked out. The bottoms looked like mini shorts and were all white. They would define her ass and I liked that. Once again, I got excited thinking about it. I tried to scold myself for it, but ended up giggling instead. I hadn't felt so happy in such a long time.

"Teetee!" I heard from a few feet away and saw Sara fast walking toward me. "Come with me to the dressing rooms"

I didn't even have time to say anything and I was already there, with Sara practically ripping my clothes off me so I could try the bathing suit on. I was glad we were the only ones in the dressing rooms, because otherwise we would have been in a lot of shit.

"Sara! Jesus, be more gentle." I said laughing as she tried to unsnap my bra. She was pressed up to me trying to get it off and when it finally snapped off, she let out a little victory cry—which was very cute.

"Got it!" She said and then looked down to my exposed breast. "They're so much like mine. But bigger… and… I like them more than mine." Her hand gently slid down my chest and I shuddered.

"Not now… we're trying to get dressed…" I moaned out. I know she didn't mean anything, but it was killing me. All those years of holding back; I couldn't do it any longer. Sara was unbuttoning my pants when she stopped and smiled. To tease me, she licked my nipple and I yipped.

"Shhhh, we're in public!" She whispered to me, and winked. My pants slid down my legs and I could feel her teasing me through my underwear. I couldn't do anything about my moaning; it was just happening naturally. She was torturing me and I knew she didn't mean it to go very far then, but there was only so much I could take. I grabbed Sara's hand and slipped it into my underwear and looked straight into her eyes.

"This is what happens when you fucking mess with me, Sasa," I said smiling at her. I proceeded to kiss her and made my way down her neck until I reached her shirt, which I then removed. She made a moaning noise, which turned me on even more than I already was. Sara's fingers slowly began to move then at my crotch. I could feel my breathing get faster as her fingers rubbed faster. I decided to play dirty as well by biting her nipples—where she was extremely sensitive.

Within ten minutes, Sara and I were completely naked in the little dressing room, clothes and bathing suits scattered on the floor. It wasn't long before we were both extremely wet and pleasured. I had managed to make my way down her body into her special place, where I pretty much ate her out. The same happened to me soon afterwards. Now we were hot and sweaty, and the beach sounded better than anything.

"Okay," I said through gasps, "bathing suits…" I saw mine. It was great. It was definitely black. It had a mini skirt connected to the bottoms that looked like black feathers and the top was a bikini piece with the same feathery design on the bottom of the thing. Even I thought I'd look sexy in it. "Well I definitely like it. For once, good job Sara!" I joked. She hit me in the arm. It was how we showed affection in our family.

We tried on the suits finally and stepped out of the changing rooms. Sara purchased the suits with her credit card and we headed out the door. No one seemed to notice that we took almost twenty minutes to try on bathing suits. That was good. Not more than thirty minutes later we arrived at the beach and found a spot to park our car. Along with the suits, we also bought towels to sit on and dry off with while we were here. We were set to have a great time.


	3. Chapter 3

Separateed ch 3

**For the first time in weeks, I'm out of my apartment.** It's harder than I imagined, getting around in a wheelchair. The ramp is extremely steep and I feel as though I'm going to roll right into the street. I make a note to stay as far away from the street as possible. The cars seem to be going faster than the speed of light. It makes me dizzy and sick to look at them, so I start wheeling myself down the sidewalk.

Everyone stares at me, knowing that I was Tegan of Tegan and Sara—the band that no longer exists—and that I cheated on my girlfriend with my sister. Some of my old fans from Vancouver walk next to me and tell me they still love me and Sara, even though she's gone, and that they hope I can find a replacement leg soon. I give them all little smiles and excuse myself because I am in no mood to talk right now. I'm trying to go somewhere where I feel will be peaceful and will hopefully lift me up; the library. Sara used to check books out there whenever she came to visit me and when she moved in with me. It feels like the only place I can be right now.

It takes me quite a while to get there, but I arrive at the library finally. There's a problem though; I can't find the ramp. I can feel my hopes die in me as I stare at the people walking up the stairs. Some stare back at me as they go up and it makes me fucking sick to think about. All of the anger and pain I have been holding in me since that morning is rising in me. I begin to silently cry again but I don't let it get the best of me. I'm going to get in there any fucking way I can. Sara might be in there, even if I can't see her. I'll be able to feel her.

I ditch the chair dramatically by jumping out of it onto my good leg and grabbing the metal bar going up the staircase. Now everyone is staring at me as I hop up one stair at a time. It's exhausting but I keep going because I'm already halfway there. Halfway to where Sara is. I make it up the stairs and hop over to the door because there's nothing to hold onto now. My leg is hurting, and once I open the heavy doors, I jump as fast as I can to the nearest seat.

The librarian pulls her glasses down to get a better look at me. She knows who I am. Knows everything. She returns to her filing with a grunt of disgust. I look down at my hands, feeling like a lonely, lost puppy. Nothing's happening. I'm just sitting in a library like a complete fucking idiot. I can't hear her laughing or talking about the book she's been looking for. It's just fucking quiet. I lay my head on the table I'm sitting at and think of nothing. Pain is just part of my life now, I tell myself. I'll keep hurting forever and people will keep hating me. I'll always be alone and she'll never come back to rescue me. After thirty minutes or so, I get up and hobble back outside and down the steps. When I get down them, I curse myself for leaving my wheelchair outside because now it is gone and it's raining heavily.

"Fuck. You ALL!" I scream, and everyone turns to me once again. I don't care anymore. I start hopping down the street, grabbing poles and mailboxes and the like to keep balanced. I'm staying as far away from cars as I can, no matter how good a taxi sounds right now.

**The sun was setting** and Sara and I were crispy like bacon by the time we left the beach. We forgot sunscreen, so the result was we looked like the failed experiments of the batch. Everyone else was tan and beautiful, and we were red and peeling. But it was okay, because we had had a great time together. We dried off, changed, and headed back to our rental car, hand-in-hand.

"Hey, let's go get something to eat, I'm fucking hungry!" Sara commented, and I took the opportunity to crack a joke.

"If we do, and you eat like you normally do, your ass will be the size of the sun." Immediately after that, I received a slap. But we laughed anyway, looked around to make sure no one was there, and snuck a kiss before hopping into the car.

The fanciest restaurant around was also the most expensive in all of LA. Just the burgers alone were over nine dollars. We ordered some fancy French dish that looked like it contained some seafood. Regardless, it was good, and expensive.

"Twenty-five dollars for one fucking dish?" Sara whispered to me.

"Well it's worth it, because it's good and…" I hesitated. "I'm here with you, so price doesn't really matter." I said and winked at Sara. She smiled at me and ended up kicking my knee softly under the table. After eating some crème desert—that was amazing—Sara and I left feeling satisfied. It was past nine p.m. now and dark outside. I went to get into the car but as I did Sara ran around the car and hugged me suddenly.

"Did I tell you I loved you yet today?" She asked me, squeezing me with her arms wrapped firmly around me.

"You just did," I said and kissed her. The shock through me was amazing. It was a new feeling every time I kissed Sara. New and exciting. I hugged her back for a couple minutes and we got into the car.

The roads were still extremely busy at night here in California and I should have been more careful, but I decided to drive with only one hand and my other lay in Sara's palm. Everything was working out. No one knew about us, and while that was a little upsetting that I couldn't proclaim my love to the world, at least we were good about keeping the secret in public. And it was just us right now. I started to worry about Lindsey, because I hadn't texted or called her in days, but I decided that I didn't care at that time because Sara was all I needed.

Traffic got increasingly worse as we progressed towards the hotel. Sara and I were singing through some of our songs while we sat waiting for the traffic jam to loosen up a bit. We sang "I know I know I know", " Downtown" "Feel it in My Bones" and "On Directing" sitting there, and it was worth it to see Sara smiling happily at me.

_If you're going downtown, I won't tell one soul. _Sara sang to me. It squeezed my heart. I reached over and kissed her and sang my favorite line from "Feel it in My Bones".

_Blow by blow _

_I didn't see it coming _

_Blow by blow _

_Sucker Punched_

I noticed the traffic moving and we were free. We waited almost ten minutes and I wanted to get to the hotel soon so that Sara and I could spend time together before it got too late and we were tired. As soon as the traffic moved back up to speed, I rushed our poor old rental car down the expressway. I was going ten over, but I didn't really care. A lot of people went ten over, or even twenty by the looks of it.

"Teetee, slow down. Don't worry about it," Sara began. "I'm not tired at all." She put her hand into my lap and I shuddered.

"I'm trying to drive, Sasa" I said while giggling, and looked over to take a quick glance at Sara. She may not have been tired, but I was. We got to an intersection finally and I knew we were only minutes away from the hotel. Finally.

The light was red so I stopped. We were making a right turn and it looked like no cars were coming. I slowly proceeded around the corner when Sara suddenly screamed in my ear.

"TEGAN WATCH OUT!" She yelled with horror in her voice as a semi came speeding from the opposite direction. I tried to slam on the brakes, but the old rental car's brakes were worn too much to slow quickly. The last thing I remember then was Sara grabbing my arm and screaming.

When I woke up, everything was upside down and it was hot. I saw flames everywhere and pieces of metal littering the road. And there was blood everywhere. That's when I realized I was in extreme pain. My head was pounding like crazy and my arms hurt. But worst of all, I couldn't feel my lower half, and my neck was searing in pain. And where was Sara? What happened? Did we get in an accident? It was extremely hot, I noticed. Not just hot, but the metal and flames made it suffocating almost. I remembered then. Sara had been with me. I automatically panicked and started trying to undo my seatbelt, which was keeping me upside-down in my broken seat. I unbuckled it and slid to the ground. That's when I saw it. One leg was missing. I could feel my eyes growing wide. I could barely see anything in the darkness, but the fire allowed me to see what I normally wouldn't have. My left leg was intact but fried badly; my right leg was stuck, unattached, to the upside-down car in between the brake and gas pedals, where shards of metal were sticking out of.

I screamed. And suddenly heard something move.

"Teetee…" I heard. I looked around, and right there in front of my eyes, was Sara. Or what was left of her. She was crushed under the remaining bits of the semi's load. Her head was laying in a pool of blood and she looked like she was crying. Time stopped there for me, especially when she whispered "help" and no help came for her.

I was in the hospital for three weeks before I was allowed to leave. Lindsey ended up coming all the way down to LA to get me and bring me to back to Vancouver. She was crying when she got to my room. She told me Sara didn't make it past the crash site. The semi driver was apparently asleep and had his foot on the gas, which is why he was speeding, and Sara and I ended up the victims. At least Sara did. Lindsey hugged me as I sat up in my bed. Nothing was right. Sara wasn't gone, was she? She was probably lying in a room next to me with minor injuries.

"Tegan Quin, I'm Doctor Samuels" a man introduced himself as while walking into my room. He was soft spoken and had a look of worry on his face. "I assume this she told you the news of your sister?" He pointed to Lindsey. "I'm so sorry. It—there was nothing we could really do. She was in such bad shape, she didn't make it past the ride here." The words felt like someone took my heart and stabbed it with shards of glass. Denial disappeared and reality settled in its place. Sara was dead.

**I'm soaked and my leg is aching when I arrive home.** Today has been such a horrible day. I've lost everything: my sister/lover, my friends, and my dignity. I don't have the energy to do anything anymore. My life is a tiny part of this huge world. It's insignificant and I know that it wouldn't matter if I were gone. But for some reason I can't do anything bad like kill myself. I think some part of me still believe Sara is here watching over me, telling me to keep going. I grab hold of things as I jump around my apartment until I see a stack of CDs I left out months ago. They're collecting dust but I know exactly what CDs they are. Our CDs. The top one is "So Jealous" and I blow the dust off. Eight months is a long time for it all to collect.

I hobble to where I left my laptop and push the CD into the disc drive. I select shuffle and my heart sinks when the song "I Can't Take it" plays.

_So move, yeah move so move, yeah move_

_I've got nowhere to go, I've got nowhere to go_

_So move, don't move so slow, don't move so slow_

_I can't take it, I can whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa_

I'm put in a dark, morbid trance. I listen to it on repeat several times. I soak it in. And then suddenly, everything lets loose. I grab my hair and pull it while I scream. My neighbors come knocking again, this time yelling to ask if I'm OK, and I keep screaming.

"FUCK OFF! GO THE FUCK AWAY!" I'm screaming and yelling and crying all at once. There isn't a point to life if Sara isn't here. It wasn't her time yet. She shouldn't have died and it was because of me that she's dead. I decide that Sara isn't around and she's never coming back. She's not watching over me, so I can do whatever the hell I want. I take the opportunity. I throw my laptop across the room to join my guitar in its corner of broken things and hobble to the door that leads to my apartment's deck, which is four stories high. It's hard to get over it. I can't seem to get my stub over the railing.

All this effort just to die. It seems pointless but at the same time I don't give a fuck and just want it all to end quickly. Everything around me is black. The rain seems like blood falling from the sky and the ground looks farther away than it is. I finally get my stub over the railing when I feel it. A light tap on my shoulder that feels warmer than anything. I know this feeling that brings me to my knees. I look around my shoulder.

She's there—Sara. I'm not sure if I'm dreaming this or not but I can see her. Her beautiful face smiling at me. She looks different somehow, as if she were glowing.

"Hey Teetee," she says.

"Sara… Sara you're here. Oh my God. You're not dead. I knew it. You were just playing a fucking joke on me right? You were there in the hospital too, right? You're not hurt…" This is too real. I can't believe it. But there is a silence between us.

"Teetee… don't do this. You know I would never want you to hurt yourself because of me." I look at Sara. I'm not sure what to think. She's here. But she's dead. So how is she here? Am I fucking psycho now? "Please, Teetee," she says and hugs me. I can feel the burden of sadness fade from me and I lift my lump off the railing and lean back on it for support.

"So you're really gone?" I ask. "Why are you here?"

"To tell your ass to stay in bed, get well, and go make up with your friends!" She says and smiles. That smile. I haven't seen it in so long.

"Sasa, I fucked everything up. They'll never accept me back. And, besides," I look into this Sara I'm seeing. "I want to be with you. You're all I have." I'm crying again. She wipes the tears from my eyes.

"I'm here with you always, you know that, Teetee. You just won't see me very much." She smiles again. I can't take it. I learn into her embrace. I know I will never have this chance again. She's warm and dry, even though it's freezing and pouring out.

"I miss you, Sasa." I say. I really do. But I feel better now. Like this is relief from it all, as if this illusion, or whatever she is, is my grieving coming to an end and I can move past it and remember her for whom she was – my sister and my lover.

" I have to go, Teetee," Sara says. She kisses me. I don't want this to end. As soon as her lips touch mine I feel so happy. Like everything will be back to normal. "I love you so much. Remember, we'll be together again. You'll see Teetee." She says that, and now she's gone. I don't know how she left so fast. I haven't blinked or anything, yet she's gone. I feel saddened, but I don't feel like I did before. I know she's okay. Safe wherever she is now.

"I love you too, Sasa," I say silently. "I love you too…"

**It's been a year now since then.** I go on mini tours now with my reunited band. Even Lindsey is okay, saying I just hit my head too many times falling down staircases and that's why I thought Sara and I were dating. Of course I know the truth, and I think she does too, but she's relieved to have me back, and it does feel nice to have Lindsey there to comfort me when I'm down. The band name is still Tegan and Sara, but on every album there are wings around Sara's name. During concerts when I'm singing, I can feel her there, as if she's singing along. I smile every now and then. I tell the fans some of Sara's joke or tell them what she would have said, and they laugh. We play her songs last as a tribute to her after every concert.

I think about her every day, but I no longer blame myself for what happened. What's done is done, and no one can help that. I still have our memories that we shared and pictures—my laptop survived the toss—and all is well. When Ted calls me off tour, I answer too. He appreciates that. Says it's good to have me back. I haven't told him or Lindsey or anyone about what happened last year when I tried to jump off my railing, or that Sara appeared in front of me and saved me, but I remember it. I remember it all. The good and the bad. But I'll be okay. Even though we're separated physically, we'll always be together—through our music, through dreams, through everything. I'll never forget her.

Ever.


End file.
